Another Close Call

Deer are smart. They are so smart that in order to catch them human males have been waking up in the wee hours of the night, painting their faces strange colors, putting on clothes that would cause the guys on ‘queer eye’ to have seizures, rubbing the urine of amorous female mammals on themselves and climbing trees in hopes of getting to see one. They are not out to see just any deer though. Small ones, unhealthy ones, or deer deemed to be unfit for killing in any other way are passed up in hopes of bagging a trophy buck. These guys are hunting for the top-notch deer. Because of the deers superior senses, and high intelligence, doing this successfully is quite hard. Hunters hoping to improve their chances spend millions of dollars every year on all sorts of hunting paraphernalia. TV shows are dedicated to teaching us how by watching professionals accomplish the feat. Like I said, deer are smart. That makes me wonder then, why I have managed to come within spitting distance of 2 deer in less than a week while bike riding.

I’m not even trying to see these animals. It’s usually in the evening. I don’t have my face painted. I am certainly not wearing the proper clothes. And I am not, at least to my knowledge, wearing the urine of any amorous female mammals. So, how is it that a loud, sweaty bike riding man can accomplish such a feat twice in a week? I can’t say, but I do have a few theories. We all know that these animals are very sneaky and illusive in their natural habitat. We have to go to great lengths to hide in their natural environment in order to get a peek. I am spotting them by the bike trail, which is past the interstate and right against the city... obviously not their natural habitat. Why are these deer so far away from home? Well, my first thought was that they hunters. Rogue deer out to bag a ‘buck’ of their own. I decided against that theory because I have not actually been assaulted yet. I would hate to think that I am one of the small, unhealthy, or otherwise unacceptable specimen that they have chose to pass up on. That led me to my second theory. These deer are spies.

That’s right, they are spies on reconnaissance missions. After all these years they have had enough and are planning to attack. These deer are the harbingers of war. Prepare yourselves gentlemen. Very soon we may have deer hiding in our alleys wearing dresses, lipstick, and perfume. Don’t be fooled. They are simply turning our tactics against us.

There is the possibility, although small, that I am blowing things a little bit out of proportion. Maybe these deer are not spies gathering information for the coming invasion. Maybe they are not hunters out for their own trophies. Maybe they are just lost and confused deer that have wondered too close to our cities, which have long been encroaching into their homes. Well, you think what you like. I for one choose not to be that naïve.